I am nervous about returning to work next week. This job is definitely an answered prayer, as we need the extra income for sure. But I worry about balancing work and family life once more. It was impossible to be successful at both when the babies were infants. Twin babies and 3-year-old take all of your energy, attention, and devotion; that is hard to do for a full-time mom, and nearly impossible, I think, for a working mom. Now that the girls are older and becoming more independent, I think it is more manageable. I will miss being at home with them and with Taran too, although I wasn't exactly the model stay-at-home mother. I've definitely gotten better at it as the months have gone by, but most evenings I am ready to put my feet up and pull my hair out! I hope that with less hours spent physically with my kids each day, the hours I do have with them I will treasure more and be able to devote all my energy towards them. I feel like this is how it was with Taran; I hope that the same will work with all three of them. I can only pray for the strength, wisdom, and patience to accomplish this, as well as the logistics (commute time, family routine, and so forth) to work out well. I fully acknowledge that the health of our family life, whether I stay at home or work full time, is dependent upon and because of Christ's grace.

One of privileges as mommy of babies are those sweet moments when they lie on my chest to sleep. Even though they are nearing 20 pounds, somehow they are not too heavy for my petite frame. I love inhaling their freshly-shampooed hair and holding their smooth, chubby little legs. Precious moments that I also shared with Taran, and ones that I will never forget.

I also get the craziest thoughts while drifting into blissful sleep with them. My latest is that my kids are like a cookie-brownie bar, with two layers of a cream - one in the middle, and one on top. The cream is delicate and fluffy, and very light in texture. These layers represent the babies - delicate and sweet, but not very durable and with many needs. Taran is the cookie foundation of the bar. He is the most durable, dependable, and independent of the three, and is indeed my little helper. As the bottom of the bar, however, he is the most handled and prone to the most 'damage' - between scraping him from the pan with the spatula to sitting him on the plate. I forget sometimes that he is only 4, and has unique needs, especially now as an older brother to two babies.

My prayer is that I'd be able to meet the emotional, physical, and spiritual needs of all my children, and find a balance and harmony among all of us. God does not give us more than we can handle, and if he thinks I can maintain my precious cookie-brownie bar and give it all the love and attention it needs, then, by God's grace and through His strength, I can do it :)

I can hardly believe that a full year has passed since my precious girls came into this world. I remember a year ago tonight, being so anxious about their arrival, and at the same time so excited that I would finally have them here, and honestly, not be pregnant anymore! (It was VERY uncomfortable at this point!) I was glad to spend a quiet evening with my husband and our son, knowing that the next day would bring several months of adjustment for all of us, but most of all for Taran. Taran had been the center of our world to that point. He is still the light of our lives, but he now has to share the spotlight with two more little ones!

Being a mother has been the most wonderful experience, one that I never thought I would have. I always wanted a family, but low self-confidence combined with extreme shyness and being an introvert led me to believe that I would never be a wife, much less a mother. How blessed I am that God heard the cries of my heart as a young woman, and brought me first Ari, than Taran, Clare and Laurel. I try to remember that my family is an answered prayer on the hectic days that I'm trying to keep three children happy and maintain an upbeat attitude and kind demeanor for my husband.

Being a wife and a mother has exposed several ugly things about myself, I am ashamed to say. Having been extremely shy and often keeping to myself as a young person, I became used to being my own company and having my own specific ways and expectations. Had you asked me at the time, I would have described myself as an easygoing, flexible person who wasn't easily ruffled. And likely I was; I was also so concerned, whether consciously or not, about pleasing others and being accepted, I had no problem altering my daily plans or other expectations according to what others saw as right. But having been "by myself" for so long, I had built a highly "self-ish" complex. Meaning, I thought primarily of myself and how others' expectations and plans for me would impact me personally. To this day, my first thought often is, "How is this to make things easier or harder for me? Will this make me have a good day, or a bad one?" And the conclusion either leads to relief that things are to my benefit, or extreme annoyance or despair that they are not. How I pray that God would impart His word on my heart: "Each of you should look not only to his own interests, but also to the interest of others." (Phil. 2:4)

For me, following Christ daily is to live that verse in my outward thoughts, words, and actions. That means devoting attention to my children, whether Taran is screaming, "Cheese!" at me repeatedly, or Clare and Laurel are vying for my affection. That does not mean entertaining their every whim, but rather making a conscientious effort to think about what is best for them and how to achieve that, while maintaining a positive response. This is often harder than sighing in frustration, burying my head in my laptop to escape the background noise, or giving a 4-year-old a 10-minute lecture that means little to him but feels *so* necessary to get out.

I am so thankful to God that my sweet little girls are entering their second year of life and learning and growing more each day; and that my adorable son grows more inquisitive, creative, and funny with each passing day, and more importantly, shows evidence of God's presence working in his little heart. I am continually amazed at my children, and thank God that He allowed me to be their mother. May I impart a gentle, patient spirit to them, and show them the fruits of the Spirit in my life: "...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." (Gal. 2:22-23) To that end, I pray that they would see Christ at work in my life and have a strong desire to know Him intimately for themselves. This is my deepest desire and greatest prayer.